Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[lashmar]

A place for all jokes. Sheye came up with the idea a little while ago so I thought I'd post it here.

An Englishman had a duck that laid an egg in his neighbors garden. He went round to collect it and an Indian man answered the door.

Englishman - Hello, my duck seems to have laid an egg in your garden and I've come to collect it.
Indian - No sorry sir, Indian law says that the egg was laid in my Garden therefore the egg belongs to me.
Englishman - Well fuck to Indian law, lets have English law for a fucking change...I kick you in the Bollocks, you kick me in the Bollocks and whoever lasts the longest gets to keep the fucking egg.
Indian - Well so long as it's English Law.
The Englishman takes a big swing and kicks the Indian in the Bollocks. After a few minuets of rolling around the Indian gets up, wipes the tears from his eyes and says:
That was good...but now it's my turn
Englishman - Keep the fucking egg.

[lashmar]

The most effective way to quit smoking...buy two nicotine patches, put them over your eye's that way you can't see your fags!   

Man 1 - What do you think of Pakistanis?
Man 2 - Well I couldn't eat a whole one!

Two Jews are walking down the road with a group of Skin-heads walking towards them.
The first Jew says to the second Jew: Look at those skin-heads coming towards us Abe, I think we're in trouble here...anyway here's that £600 I owe you from last week.

The finest site in the world is not a woman on her knees...it's a Jewish stool holder on his knees, you get Jew on his knees and you can blag fucking sawdust.

What's the difference between Microsoft Windows XP and Toyota's? Toyot's can't stop and XP can't start.   

A Paki goes up to the Skin-Head living next door to him and says - "I'm a better man than you sir"
Skin-Head - "Alright, I haven't said you weren't...what makes you think you're better than me?"
Paki - "because I haven't got a Paki living next-door to me"

"If I where an optician I'd changed the sign outside my shop so the writing was really, really small and really, really blurry"

If you're ever pulled in by the police they have to warn you "everything you say can and will be used as evidence"... your next words must be "okay officer just don't hit me again"

Have you ever wondered why when you phone the Gas Company up they ask you to prove who you are? I'm the bloke with no bloody gas! What do they think you're going to do? turn the cooker on, catch some gas in your hands and then run back home?

Satellite navigation isn't really a huge step in human advancement. We've got rid of the wife given us the wrong directions and replaced her with a computer...at least the computer has an off button.

My grandfather died at auswitch...he fell of the guard tower.

That isn't one of my own, I don't know who came up with it first but it makes me laugh none the less.

[lashmar]

What's the difference between the Irish and the French? At least the Irish have the balls to stab us in the back when we're fighting the Germans...the French just run away.


Seriously though I think these type of jokes (they're not directed at a person for god sake) offend you then you need to go and buy laugh and a smile. Most jokes are either quick one-liners, something I'm very good at, or jokes about subjects that are normally "taboo" in society. Can you Imagen coming out with this and meaning it:

My grandfather died at auswitch...he fell of the guard tower.

As a joke it's funny but as anything else it would be very...well fucked up. lol.

[lashmar]

This one's just too funny:

Fred and Larry got married in California.
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!  Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

[Regnad]

That one is funny very funny. If we still had carma point`s you woulda earned one. ha ha   lol   

[lashmar]

Thanks dude.

These are just too funny to miss as well (how they keep straight faces through these shows are beyond me):

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3KBuQHHKx0" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3KBuQHHKx0</a>

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piWCBOsJr-w" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piWCBOsJr-w</a>

[Regnad]

Have you ever seen Monty Python`s, The Holy Grail.   NOW THAT`S FUNNY !!!!!            

[lashmar]

I've seen bits of it, I'll watch it all one day.

[sheye]

Have you ever seen Monty Python`s, The Holy Grail.   NOW THAT`S FUNNY !!!!! 

have you ever seen Monty Python beer?

brewed by blacksheep brewing co..in england..

Its a beautiful brown bottle..with the label
Monty Python's Holy Grail...with the g and the r in the grail being crossed out..its cute
at the bottom of the label,it says
"tempered over burning witches"

its a cute beer bottele, and not bad beer if you like english beer..

I have a few bottles saved..empty ..lol...just for the novelty of them

[lashmar]

Here it is:

Do you like English beer (we call it "bitter") Sheye? I don't drink that horrid, nasty European crap that you guys get over there. I only drink Bitter's, I've never had a German bitter but I hear they're nice as well.



Why is American beer and have sex in a boat the same thing? They're both fucking close to water! lol